being secretive

i just need someone to talk to. its roughly 2months plus from the wedding date.

and out of sudden, i face so many difficulties to get everything done correctly. mom is busy with all the cucu(s), which she was getting another one same day as my birthday on 5th nov..as she also busy with all school works, and everything. its very hard for me to talk about my wedding with her. the conversation will only last up to 5 minutes, paling lama. and then they passed with other stories to talk about.

haihh...im the third one getting married in the family. mayb the whole family is well-trained with the wedding thingy already. :p

to be true, i suddenly feel tired. i know, its my wedding and i shouldnt feel that way. i need someone to talk to, definitely, MF will always be my mangsa.

MF is a secretive person, he knows me well enough compared to anyone else. whatever i told him, he will keep to himself. its not to my liking, when everyone knows whats my plan on this, on that.. like seriously, when i told A something, i dont expect to hear it back from B. that is me, im a very secretive person, to be honest..

pilih orang untuk bercerita, thats the only way to resolve everything.

oh, i also dislike bad-mouthing/komen tak membina!

sangatsss...

im kind of person. yang tak suka orang komen lebih-lebih. not because, aku kepala batu, or kepala lebih keras dari batu. it just i dont like it.

contoh situasi A,
i met the designer and i have everything ready in my mind. angan-angan tak sudah! he suggests ..this and that, yada..yada...improvise my idea.

this way, its acceptable for me.

contoh situasi B,
i bought a bag (sbg contoh) and the bag color is white. tetiba orang komen, kalau aku tak beli beg ni. kaler putih aku tak suka...

its u who dont like it. just keep it to urself. ok?

bila kena macam ni, most of the time aku tiada hati dah nak pakai barang aku beli tu. so its more or less aku termakan jugaklah dengan kata-kata tu, kan?

sila bezakan. bagi pendapat and mengomen!

100 malam

Ok, tak de apa sangat pun nak update,

hehe. cumanya, tinggal 100 hari lagi to the date, insyaAllah.

Dulu masa takde tarikh, aku dok tunggu lagi setahun dari tarikh,

bila sudah setahun dari majlis, tunggu pulak bulan ke 9 dari majlis,

tiba bulan ke-9, menunggu pulak 6 bulan dari majlis,

then looking forward for 3 bulan dari majlis.

sekarang. 100 hari dari majlis.

lepas ni looking forward for 1 bulan sebelum majlis,

dan hari yang dinanti!!

biarlah orang nak kata aku poyo, atau apa sahaja. yang penting aku tau aku tak poyo. wakakaka...

heyyy...ko ingat senang nak sabar macam ni?? :p

Gerams

gangguan jiwa. susah betul nak tidur, maybe sebab ada perhitungan belum selesai.

hurmmm...

sebenarnya aku sangat marah and geram, but i dont think anybody gets me. alkisahnya, i tried to call my friend hari tu. sampai sakit la tangan aku nak call dia. and then each time pun masuk voice message. unreachable.

until my final try, ade bunyi ring tone, and she picked it up.

memula aku tanya elok-elok. she answered me dengan kasar. which, i dont really like. sebab aku tak suka bila aku tanya elok-elok, org tu jawab kasar. ade ke orang suka weyhhhh?????

then, aku tanya second thing.. dijawab dengan lebih kasar...

ok, first thing first, bila orang cakap elok-elok tu, control ur emotion ok. kalau ko marah whatsoever, control lah. aku ni bukan juru-jual nak paksa ko beli barang,ko nak marah-marah.

dont get me wrong, aku tak menanam kebencian pada diri sendiri. cuma aku tak suka sangat bila kena macam tu, sebab rasanya seperti tak dihormati, paham?

until aku nak letak phone pun, aku masih cakap elok-elok,kan?

tapi selepas tu, aku still tegur-tegur kan. cause malas lah nak meleret-leretkan hal.

but why on earth, aku je yang nak kena bagi laluan ni???

oh, aku memanglah ceria macam ni, suka gelak-gelak. but deep inside, aku pun ada perasaan, tahu?

ok,i dont think that u'll be reading my blog pon. haha. aku saja nak tulis sebab aku sangat geram. heyhhhh... my friends outside there, berapa kerat aje pun yang tau kewujudan blog ni. i rather keep it secret,

karang sampai Ayah pun tau blog ni... kan susahhhhhh.

i hope i let it go by writing it here.

...

gotta sleep early.

esok bakal ayah mertua datang beraya (berbincang?)

p/s: ya Allah, rindunya hati pada arwah bakal mak mertua. =(

tangis hatiku

i made a mistake,

now i feel like crying over it.

seribu penyesalan. how i wish, my decision, was not my decision,

and i follow back my heart.

now i need to face the reality.

girls, everything u decide, just follow back ur heart. i've learned my lesson.

kenapa setiap kali aku belajar dari kesilapan, bukan dari kesilapan orang lain (amek pengajaran maksud aku di sini)...tapi dari kesilapan sendiri..and kesilapan diri sendiri=kerugian. rasa macam nak menjerit aje...

marah.geram.sakit hati. semua ada...

#214

Approaching 200.

like wauuuuuu!!!

Stop!

always remember not to under estimate people...kadang-kadang some people dont talk about wht they have, not because dia xde. tapi die ade yang lebih baik. if kamu mahu rasa u've got everything, and tiada tandingan. then go ahead!! aku sikit pun tak kisah.and stop comparing, sebab aku memang tak dapat bertanding dengan kau pun. and i dont find any single reason pun why u shud compare urself wif me. because in the end, im the one who got nothing, and u r the one who have got everything.kan?

so why compare? nothing!!

just stay away from me..

p/s: emotionally distracted these days.bye!

down sikit. lepas ni up balik.

knowing that i might be away for a while.

i will be 2 years working at the same company dis coming June. and this is the part where a lot of things learned before is being tested.

tell ya, it isnt easy to be a programmer. working with bank lagi lah.. bank=money. pernah anda rasa tak mahu datang kerja, knowing that kerusi anda adalah panas terbakar bila ura-ura mengatakan changes program anda, or your not so quick respon mengakibatkan kerugian belas-belas juta pada bank...or, kesilapan anda memandang sebelah mata benda yang anda sangkakan kecil rupanya mampu men-drag anda kepada sesuatu yang anda takkan sangka boleh membinasakan anda.pernah rasa bimbang sampai susah nak tidur malam memikirkan implementation anda di malam hari agak-agak ada problem tak esokknyee??ada tak server yang down dek kerana anda. .

my team is small, hanya 4 orang. untuk handle system kami used by roughly 250 branches satu Malaysia. what do u expect? aku boleh senyum gelak-gelak pun dah cukup bagus sebenarnya. i face them everyday. and dis coming june, we will be left as 3 people sahaja.. sebab team leader akan maternity leave..

the tulang belakang, the leader, the coordinator will be away untuk 60 hari. expect apa yang aku rasa sekarang. while shes away nanti, aku kena pikul sorang-sorang one big project yang hanya aku and dia involve.

and implementation date project itu adalah SAMA dengan vacation aku dengan kawan baik..how i wish project itu di postpone...haihh..

im telling u, walaupun kadang-kadang rasa nak makan tanpa henti sebab tensi, but i still love my job. thanks my bos sebab bayar gaji selama ni. *hint siapa bos saya, no 5 richest man in Malaysia. tumpang bangga and kagum*

pantasnya satu bulan..

i might be seen stubborn, rough, suka berlawak, but deep inside i'm fragile..

each time attended others wedding, deep inside i feel like crying..knowing my wedding wont be as i wished before. remember, it never come across my mind of having glamorous wedding.it will be just perfect if i could have everyone i love around me. surrounded by everyone i love and people who loves me.

i know.

siapalah kita nak menghalang takdir, melainkan redha dengan setiapnya.

but losing two person yang tersayang (arwah nenek and arwah mil), in one year.bukanlah mudah.i keep on trying untuk mengawal perasaan and live my life as normal. but definately everything is different now.

to share with you, i still remember first time nak jumpa dia (arwah mil). i was so scared. even dah sampai depan rumah, i asked MF to send me back.tamo masuk. sebab takut sangat-sangat she cannot accept me. blame drama-drama melayu for this!hehe. tapi MF cakap, takpe mak dia ok. so i took a very deep breath walaupun sangat-sangat nervous time tu.

seriously, dia memang tak seperti yang disangka. she was very good to me. orangnya ikhlas, hingga i can feel keikhlasan dia menerima i walaupun baru kali pertama jumpa. masa tu, i was still studying in UTP, selalulah dapat kuih raya dia kirim setiap kali anak dia balik kampung beraya.suka sangat tart yang dia bagi.gemok and sedap. some of my UTP friends pun mesti ingat tart ni.gemuk and gebu.punyalah suka, i can even finish half of the bekas kueh. hehe.sebab tu tembam gila-gila masa kat Uni dulu.hehe.

bila dah lama tak jumpa dia and rindu, aku akan tanya MF, mak awk takde ajak saya datang rumah ke? hehe,tak malu kan. so kadang-kadang ada jugakla aku muncul semak-semak dekat rumah MF tp tu pun kalau ayah izinkan. last jumpa adalah di alamanda makan johnny sama-sama, sebulan sebelum arwah pergi. dia cium pipi aku banyak sangat. memang tabiat arwah cium pipi banyak-banyak bila aku dah nak balik tapi kali tu lebih banyak dari biasa..tak sangka itu yang terakhirkan...if only i knew, i will hug her tightly and close to my heart...

esok, 8hb, genaplah sebulan, rasa macam baru semalam...i miss her so much..sangat-sangat.semoga rohnya aman di sana.dan harapku satu hari nnt kita dapat bertemu lagi.Amin. walaupun tak banyak memori bersama dia, tapi takkan ku lupa setiap satunya..

each time people ask about my wedding, aku rasa bagai runtuh and only if i can burst my tears out.moga perasaan macam ni akan berlalu.mungkin suatu hari nnt.

alfatihah buat dia dan arwah nenek.salam sayang.

to her,

i already typed in something on notepad.

erased.

then type again.

erased.

urghhhhh. i'm not good in conveying something related to emotion.


last night adalah malam terakhir we stayed as roommates. one of the room members is getting married this december. (i have yet to receive your card dear, mana??heehee).

i wish her all the best in life.and happy always with her husband.

to ayu,

“When it hurts to look back, and you're scared to look ahead, you can look beside you and your best friends will always be there for you.”

p/s: dont worry kay, i will take care of ur maisarah~ =).

masalah berat badan

www.pictures-of-kittens-and-cats.com

Maybe i pampered myself too much.

I don't have enough determination. Not enough strength to against my own desire.

sighhhh....

today i had another jamuan at office. makan hingga senak perut. susah nak bernafas. nak drive balik kerja pun takde kekuatan.macam mana nak tahan, ada kambing golek, aiskrim goreng..my all time favorite food.

my girlfriends yang lain pun dah sound. and even si fakri panggil aku lori. but that doesn't make me stop. not at all. kambing sahaja 2 pinggan.tau kenapa aku berhenti makan? sebab aku pergi ambil ais krim goreng ( for the second round ok?!) sambil tersengih-sengih depan tu, sekali bro tu cakap ais krim goreng dah abes. TAPI, aku konar pegi amek teh tarik..ape maknanyeee tuuu????

aku memang food lover yang tegar!!! setiap kali aku suap makanan dalam mulut, lupa semua treatment kat mary chia. lupa promise made to my girlfriend: akan kurus dalam 3 bulan.lupa MF yang asek suruh jaga diet. LUPA.LUPA..LUPAAA

i will end up losing no weight if this attitude continue.

esok my third treatment @Mary Chia.takut.they are so strict to me.there's one beautician tu membebel sepanjang treatment sebab aku tak jaga makan.in a way memang sangat-sangat bagus la. barulah beringat sikit kalau asek kena marah. huuuu~

bad temper

Yes, I am.

Kalau ikutkan hati, memang dah kensel dah.

Huh.memang sungguh-sungguh panas baran aku ni.

Sigh.What a bad day....tak boleh diceritakan lagi. Memang sangat-sangat panas hati. Perkataan pertama aku sebut lepas letak phone tadi adalah, f word.

memang marah betul lah ni.